Southwest Water

Dear Jackie,

 

When I think about the things I need in life four things spring to mind – Eastenders, clothes, food and water.  Come to think of it, I can probably do without clothes, but that is by the by.  Water is in the air that I breathe, it covers 71% of the earth’s surface and it also comprises around 60% of my body – so it’s quite important. I don’t live near a freshwater spring so I need someone to make river water safe for me to drink. I’m alright taking my clothes (which I can probably do without) to the local pond and beating them off rocks but the last time I tried to drink from there I hallucinated so badly, I actually believed that my water company was a flexible and accommodating organisation. How disappointed I was when the luminous tinge my tongue had developed finally faded and reality struck. 

You sent me a bill for £11.15 (payment reference : **** **** 79057) for the period of 20^th to 31^st March (a period of 12 days).  Although it cost me almost £1 a day for your water, I paid it. Now I’m only in sunny Ramsgate for a few months and will be leaving my property on 19^th June, it will be a sad day indeed. By my calculation, you charge around £38 a month for your water and as I’ll be using your water up to June (from 1^st April, I hope you’re following this) I’ll be owing you about £114.  Your e-mail suggests that I owe you £194.84 up to September.  I’m a little baffled.  It seems like you’re asking me to pay for water I haven’t used yet. Is this right?  Forgive me, but it’s not a concept I’m familiar with – In ASDA I pay for my groceries after I’ve taken them from the shelves.  They don’t ask me to pay £100 when I enter the shop, go round collecting the items I want and then when I leave, total up my shopping then refund the difference?  It borders on the bizarre. I find it remarkable. In fact, it’s a mixture of the two – it’s bizarkable!  I followed your advice in not pouring fat down the sink and indeed made a ‘cake’ for the birds to eat. But, as it’s Southern Water who gave this advice, I’m expecting the birds to digest the fat before they’ve eaten it. 

I have of course copied this letter to the Consumer Council for water to alert them as to what you’re asking and find out if this is in fact legal, never mind your standard procedures – we’re talking consumer law which as you know does not incorporate your policies as a company. I’ve also alerted that nice Anne Robinson at Watchdog as let’s face it, the company you work for (southern water) haven’t got the greatest of reputations when it comes to billing customers. I’ll be speaking to my mate Gary who works for Trading standards on my Saturday BNO (big night out) this week while we dance the night away to the sounds of the 80’s.  I understand that you’re probably being shouted at by your manager to deal with more than 3 e-mails an hour and this isn’t the job you envisaged doing when you were at university doing your History degree, but just this once, can you calculate a bill to the end of June and I’ll pay it.  I really don’t want to pay up to the end of September and then have to chase you around for god knows how long for a refund.  Go on, all you have to do is press a button.

Yours slightly baffled,

Peter Nuttall