Morning,
I realise that you tempt hundreds of thousands!? of wide-eyed innocent younglings through your gates every year with the promise of a land filled with Flamingos – those who don’t have much of a frame of reference for how good your park is compared to others who offer a similar experience. I understand that you’re not quite a zoo, nor or you quite an amusement park – somewhere betwixt the two (maybe it’s an Amzoozment park?) – so I’m not allowed to complain about things like ‘You’re not as good as Chester Zoo’ or ‘You’re miles behind Lightwater Valley’ – because you’ll just say you’re not specialists like they are.
However, with my thirty-plus years of experience on planet earth, I noticed things that younger and more innocent eyes perhaps do not whilst they tear about screaming with excitement at the thought of being flung in the air whilst tied to a plastic seat. I have so many complaints in fact, that I’ve bullet pointed them – please try to stay awake, this is important :
1. I bought my ticket on-line and had to ‘scan in’ at the turn style. I stood for three minutes trying to get the scanner to recognise the paper-bound barcode whilst impatient children pushed and shoved behind me, assuming I was to blame for their delay in being flung into the sky several times.
2. There were no maps of the park about – I wasn’t given one as I passed the front gate at least and had to go into a nearby gift shop and take one from the counter – assuming they were free as the staff were messing about in the corner with the stuffed toys.
3. On the top of your leaflet and on your website you’ve elected to use the Meerkat as your ‘lead’ character. Nothing to do with the success of Compare the Market’s campaign of course; all your own idea. If you don’t think Flamingos are ‘cool’ enough to use as a device despite them being in the title of your park then how about change the name to Meerkat Land and completely confuse everyone as to what it is you’re actually supposed to be.
4. ‘Today’s News’ on your website which is in a lovely grey font (draws the eye brilliantly) tells me (now that I already know) that :
a. Cable cars : Closed for maintenance
b. Sky Flyer : closed for maintenance
c. Spotted cows and swan roundabout (my favourite rides of all time) : closed for maintenance
5. You have not mentioned the closed Bat Cave or the Closed Reptile house even though both are noted on your park map. You might want to mention it to the people who are paying £30 at the gate (who don’t have the internet) that not all of your attractions are available before they part with their hard earned money.
6. There seems to be a plethora of Emus/Rheas/Ostriches in your park. Not being able to tell them apart, it seemed they were taking over the ‘zoo’ – along with the Zebras and Giraffes which all appeared separately or together in about ten of the enclosures.
7. My favourite attraction was the wasps nest just above the viewing glass in the wall of the Lion enclosure. I loved how I was chased back over the bridge screaming with my hands in the air. I do hope your other guests had a similar adrenaline fuelled afternoon. There was no height restriction to this experience either – fun/terror for all the family.
8. The Zoo monorail wasn’t in commission – not noted on your website. I can’t believe I missed out on seeing your park from a couple of feet off the ground. Most annoyed.
9. I went to the American style ‘Diner’ at the top left of the Map. Actually, I was only thinking about going there but it looked awful so I went across a Zebra Crossing just to the right of it as I saw the words ‘Gourmet Grill’ on a building over there. You’ve managed to redefine the word ‘Gourmet’, as the place was even more downmarket than ‘King Burger’, the ‘Burger King’ wannabe in my local shopping centre. I went in and saw that you sell either ‘beef’ burgers or chicken burgers. Turns out you just had Chicken burgers. Note that it was 12pm – dinner time – a time when you should be fully stocked having not served anyone yet.
10. Never mind, back to the Diner I went – being stopped by a burly man who demanded to see my wristband. “Eh?”, I said eloquently. “Wrist band”, he said again in surly voice. “I bought tickets on line”, I replied, waving my print out (see the very copy enclosed). “No good”, he grunted. After an awful few minutes he let us in, explaining that this gourmet grill place was ‘outside’ Flamingo Land and that we weren’t allowed out here... I said ‘There are no signs, there are no gates, there wasn’t anyone standing here to tell us we couldn’t go out’. He then said ‘Oh, that’s my job – I must have been distracted’. This in itself would have ruined my day but it was already in tatters (bear in mind my Wife and I have paid £27 EACH for this debacle).
11. We step into the diner and are seated – a few things :
a. I tried my best to ignore the swarm of flies at the door but was disappointed to see that they were still there when I left twenty minutes later. I wonder if they’ve yet been shown to their seats and served?
b. I ordered the ‘pork rib grill’ for £8.99 – expecting a half rack of pork ribs with sumptuous amounts of fries. Instead I got a stale bun containing one of those reconstituted ‘meat style’ steaks you can get four of for a pound in Iceland. NINE POUND remember!
12. I’m now crippled with stomach pains after my ‘dinner’ and so think it best to take the train around to the aquarium. No signs anywhere. There’s a wooden platform near the track but no signs – is this the station? Does the train stop here? Which end do you queue at? How often are the trains? Are they even running today with so many other things out of commission, dismantled or not even there at all?
13. I noticed that ‘Splash Battle’ was closed for maintenance, that must have broken down during the day as there was a small red traffic cone at the entrance and a maintenance man with his trouser legs rolled up standing in a pool holding a screwdriver and looking bemused.
14. 4D cinema! Happy Feet!! NOT WORKING. This might have been a blessing based on my loathing of the terrible movie.
15. I’m going to call it ‘Hero’? Looks like it wasn’t even built yet – not working or as I say, not even ready for the summer season. What percentage of your attractions were out of commission that day do you think? Remember - £27 each.
16. The aquarium wasn’t even as good as the bit that sells fish in Pets at Home.
17. You have a new attraction that you’re probably not aware of. It’s called ‘Guano city’ and it’s on the walkway beside where the Wallabies are on the way to where the Penguins are. I’m no expert but there’s a disease waiting to happen there. Disgusting. Please get it cleaned before someone is hospitalised if not from the ‘pork’ rib steaks.
Assuming you’re still with me, I really need you to do something about this. I’ve never felt so ripped off and disappointed. I’m sure you have loads of satisfied and happy customers but I’m certain it’s because they’re looking no deeper than the flashy lights and hallucinating because of the content of your burgers. I however, expect quality when I part with over £30 for a day out.
I want a full refund and please ensure your letter back to me doesn’t include the phrases ‘I’ll pass on your concerns’, ‘we take your feedback seriously’ or ‘we’re disappointed to learn’ because none of those things are true. I just want my money back.
I have included the tickets so you can verify when I was at the park/land with the hidden flamingos (as if you’re embarrassed by them).
Yours not-holding-my-breathly,
Peter Nuttall
(The reply will be posted here when/if I get one)
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