Post Office Complaint

Dear Post Office,

I’m baffled.  I use Amazon and E-bay a lot and I understand that if something is too large for my standard sized letter box or needs a signature, that you take it back to your house down the road where I can collect it between the hours of ‘fast asleep’ and ‘just had my lunch’.  I accept this.  However, I have found that lately, more and more of my parcels have been taken back to your house only to find when I collect them, that they are all much smaller than my standard sized letter box.  Soft squishy items, items wrapped in hard cardboard, long thin items – all taken back to your house for collection. 

I wonder sometimes if your postpeople ever played ‘perfection’ as a child – a game where you had to fit the yellow counters into their respective shaped holes before the timer ran out and the board ‘popped up’ and threw the counters into the eyes of all who spectated. Or maybe they all played that one where you have lots of different shaped wood, a board with holes in and a rubber hammer – trying to hammer the star shape through the round hole has scarred them so badly they can only post items that won’t touch the sides of my letterbox lest the sound of thumping rubber returns and haunts them all the way back to the depot.

My complaint, apart from the one above, regards a delivery of contact lenses from Vision Express.  They send them out quarterly in a box with the following dimensions 34x34x34 specifically to ensure they can be posted through a standard sized letter box.  However, in August, my latest delivery didn’t arrive – I waited a month – still nothing and so I wrote a complaint letter to Vision Express to enquire where my lenses were.  They said they’d sent them but where could they be?? No card was left by the postperson.  It was a mystery. I spent the next three months bumping into things and speaking to vague shadows.

As they say, heaven comes to (s)he who waits and the mystery soon unravelled as I returned home on Tuesday 18^th December to find my latest consignment of lenses propped up against my front door.  This letterbox shaped item had been left outside my property in full view of my neighbours (who FYI pretend to wipe the blinds in order to watch what I’m doing every time I’m in the garden.  They use their front window as a kind of ‘reality TV’ which is quite annoying.)  This leads me to believe that my first set of contact lenses (remember them?) was probably propped up against my door and this parcel (worth £66 in optical enhancing apparatus) was stolen or taken off by a Golden Eagle (did you see the clip on youtube?? Mad wasn’t it?).

And so you now get the gist of my terminal bafflement.  Could you please clear up :

1.       Why do you not post items that will clearly fit through letterboxes when  they’re not fragile and don’t have to be signed for?

2.       Why would you prop a parcel up against someone’s door? Especially one that has been specifically designed by the world’s top scientists to fit through the letterbox?

I hope you’re going to write to Vision Express and apologise to them for my shouting at them because of something you did!?

I await your response with interest but please send it in a star-shaped envelope to see if your postpeople really do have post-traumatic perfection disorder or not.

Regards

Southwest Water

Dear Jackie,

 

When I think about the things I need in life four things spring to mind – Eastenders, clothes, food and water.  Come to think of it, I can probably do without clothes, but that is by the by.  Water is in the air that I breathe, it covers 71% of the earth’s surface and it also comprises around 60% of my body – so it’s quite important. I don’t live near a freshwater spring so I need someone to make river water safe for me to drink. I’m alright taking my clothes (which I can probably do without) to the local pond and beating them off rocks but the last time I tried to drink from there I hallucinated so badly, I actually believed that my water company was a flexible and accommodating organisation. How disappointed I was when the luminous tinge my tongue had developed finally faded and reality struck. 

You sent me a bill for £11.15 (payment reference : **** **** 79057) for the period of 20^th to 31^st March (a period of 12 days).  Although it cost me almost £1 a day for your water, I paid it. Now I’m only in sunny Ramsgate for a few months and will be leaving my property on 19^th June, it will be a sad day indeed. By my calculation, you charge around £38 a month for your water and as I’ll be using your water up to June (from 1^st April, I hope you’re following this) I’ll be owing you about £114.  Your e-mail suggests that I owe you £194.84 up to September.  I’m a little baffled.  It seems like you’re asking me to pay for water I haven’t used yet. Is this right?  Forgive me, but it’s not a concept I’m familiar with – In ASDA I pay for my groceries after I’ve taken them from the shelves.  They don’t ask me to pay £100 when I enter the shop, go round collecting the items I want and then when I leave, total up my shopping then refund the difference?  It borders on the bizarre. I find it remarkable. In fact, it’s a mixture of the two – it’s bizarkable!  I followed your advice in not pouring fat down the sink and indeed made a ‘cake’ for the birds to eat. But, as it’s Southern Water who gave this advice, I’m expecting the birds to digest the fat before they’ve eaten it. 

I have of course copied this letter to the Consumer Council for water to alert them as to what you’re asking and find out if this is in fact legal, never mind your standard procedures – we’re talking consumer law which as you know does not incorporate your policies as a company. I’ve also alerted that nice Anne Robinson at Watchdog as let’s face it, the company you work for (southern water) haven’t got the greatest of reputations when it comes to billing customers. I’ll be speaking to my mate Gary who works for Trading standards on my Saturday BNO (big night out) this week while we dance the night away to the sounds of the 80’s.  I understand that you’re probably being shouted at by your manager to deal with more than 3 e-mails an hour and this isn’t the job you envisaged doing when you were at university doing your History degree, but just this once, can you calculate a bill to the end of June and I’ll pay it.  I really don’t want to pay up to the end of September and then have to chase you around for god knows how long for a refund.  Go on, all you have to do is press a button.

Yours slightly baffled,

Peter Nuttall

 

Flamingo Land Complaint

Morning,

I realise that you tempt hundreds of thousands!? of wide-eyed innocent younglings through your gates every year with the promise of a land filled with Flamingos – those who don’t have much of a frame of reference for how good your park is compared to others who offer a similar experience.  I understand that you’re not quite a zoo, nor or you quite an amusement park – somewhere betwixt the two (maybe it’s an Amzoozment park?) – so I’m not allowed to complain about things like ‘You’re not as good as Chester Zoo’ or ‘You’re miles behind Lightwater Valley’ – because you’ll just say you’re not specialists like they are.  

However, with my thirty-plus years of experience on planet earth, I noticed things that younger and more innocent eyes perhaps do not whilst they tear about screaming with excitement at the thought of being flung in the air whilst tied to a plastic seat.  I have so many complaints in fact, that I’ve bullet pointed them – please try to stay awake, this is important :

1.       I bought my ticket on-line and had to ‘scan in’ at the turn style.  I stood for three minutes trying to get the scanner to recognise the paper-bound barcode whilst impatient children pushed and shoved behind me, assuming I was to blame for their delay in being flung into the sky several times.

2.       There were no maps of the park about – I wasn’t given one as I passed the front gate at least and had to go into a nearby gift shop and take one from the counter – assuming they were free as the staff were messing about in the corner with the stuffed toys.

3.        On the top of your leaflet and on your website you’ve elected to use the Meerkat as your ‘lead’ character.  Nothing to do with the success of Compare the Market’s campaign of course; all your own idea.  If you don’t think Flamingos are ‘cool’ enough to use as a device despite them being in the title of your park then how about change the name to Meerkat Land and completely confuse everyone as to what it is you’re actually supposed to be.

4.       ‘Today’s News’ on your website which is in a lovely grey font (draws the eye brilliantly) tells me (now that I already know) that :

a.       Cable cars : Closed for maintenance

b.      Sky Flyer : closed for maintenance

c.       Spotted cows and swan roundabout (my favourite rides of all time) : closed for maintenance

5.       You have not mentioned the closed Bat Cave or the Closed Reptile house even though both are noted on your park map.  You might want to mention it to the people who are paying £30 at the gate (who don’t have the internet) that not all of your attractions are available before they part with their hard earned money. 

6.       There seems to be a plethora of Emus/Rheas/Ostriches in your park.  Not being able to tell them apart, it seemed they were taking over the ‘zoo’ – along with the Zebras and Giraffes which all appeared separately or together in about ten of the enclosures.

7.       My favourite attraction was the wasps nest just above the viewing glass in the wall of the Lion enclosure.  I loved how I was chased back over the bridge screaming with my hands in the air.  I do hope your other guests had a similar adrenaline fuelled afternoon.  There was no height restriction to this experience either – fun/terror for all the family.

8.       The Zoo monorail wasn’t in commission – not noted on your website.  I can’t believe I missed out on seeing your park from a couple of feet off the ground. Most annoyed.

9.       I went to the American style ‘Diner’ at the top left of the Map.  Actually, I was only thinking about going there but it looked awful so I went across a Zebra Crossing just to the right of it as I saw the words ‘Gourmet Grill’ on a building over there.  You’ve managed to redefine the word ‘Gourmet’, as the place was even more downmarket than ‘King Burger’, the ‘Burger King’ wannabe in my local shopping centre.  I went in and saw that you sell either ‘beef’ burgers or chicken burgers.  Turns out you just had Chicken burgers.  Note that it was 12pm – dinner  time – a time when you should be fully stocked having not served anyone yet. 

10.   Never mind, back to the Diner I went – being stopped by a burly man who demanded to see my wristband.  “Eh?”, I said eloquently. “Wrist band”, he said again in surly voice.  “I bought tickets on line”, I replied, waving my print out (see the very copy enclosed). “No good”, he grunted.  After an awful few minutes he let us in, explaining that this gourmet grill place was ‘outside’ Flamingo Land and that we weren’t allowed out here... I said ‘There are no signs, there are no gates, there wasn’t anyone standing here to tell us we couldn’t go out’.  He then said ‘Oh, that’s my job – I must have been distracted’.  This in itself would have ruined my day but it was already in tatters (bear in mind my Wife and I have paid £27 EACH for this debacle).

11.   We step into the diner and are seated – a few things :

a.       I tried my best to ignore the swarm of flies at the door but was disappointed to see that they were still there when I left twenty minutes later.  I wonder if they’ve yet been shown to their seats and served?

b.      I ordered the ‘pork rib grill’ for £8.99 – expecting a half rack of pork ribs with sumptuous amounts of fries.  Instead I got a stale bun containing one of those reconstituted ‘meat style’ steaks you can get four of for a pound in Iceland.  NINE POUND remember!

12.   I’m now crippled with stomach pains after my ‘dinner’ and so think it best to take the train around to the aquarium.  No signs anywhere.  There’s a wooden platform near the track but no signs – is this the station? Does the train stop here? Which end do you queue at? How often are the trains? Are they even running today with so many other things out of commission, dismantled or not even there at all?

13.   I noticed that ‘Splash Battle’ was closed for maintenance, that must have broken down during the day as there was a small red traffic cone at the entrance and a maintenance man with his trouser legs rolled up standing in a pool holding a screwdriver and looking bemused.

14.   4D cinema! Happy Feet!! NOT WORKING. This might have been a blessing based on my loathing of the terrible movie.

15.   I’m going to call it ‘Hero’? Looks like it wasn’t even built yet – not working or as I say, not even ready for the summer season.  What percentage of your attractions were out of commission that day do you think?  Remember - £27 each.

16.   The aquarium wasn’t even as good as the bit that sells fish in Pets at Home.

17.   You have a new attraction that you’re probably not aware of.  It’s called ‘Guano city’ and it’s on the walkway beside where the Wallabies are on the way to where the Penguins are.  I’m no expert but there’s a disease waiting to happen there. Disgusting. Please get it cleaned before someone is hospitalised if not from the ‘pork’ rib steaks.

Assuming you’re still with me, I really need you to do something about this.  I’ve never felt so ripped off and disappointed.  I’m sure you have loads of satisfied and happy customers but I’m certain it’s because they’re looking no deeper than the flashy lights and hallucinating because of the content of your burgers.  I however, expect quality when I part with over £30 for a day out.

I want a full refund and please ensure your letter back to me doesn’t include the phrases ‘I’ll pass on your concerns’, ‘we take your feedback seriously’ or ‘we’re disappointed to learn’ because none of those things are true.  I just want my money back.

I have included the tickets so you can verify when I was at the park/land with the hidden flamingos (as if you’re embarrassed by them).

Yours not-holding-my-breathly,

Peter Nuttall

(The reply will be posted here when/if I get one)